Dear Mr. President,
Thanks for your address to the nation.
It's good to know you still want
to talk to us after how we behaved in November.
Listen, can I be frank? Sending in 20,000
more troops just ain't gonna
do the job. That will only bring the troop
level back up to what it was
last year. And we were losing the war last
year! We've already had over
a million troops serve some time in Iraq
since 2003. Another few
thousand is simply not enough to find those
weapons of mass
Er, I mean... bringing those responsible
for 9/11 to justice! Um,
scratch that. Try this -- BRING DEMOCRACY
TO THE MIDDLE EAST! YES!!!
You've got to show some courage, dude!
You've got to win this one!
C'mon, you got Saddam! You hung 'im high!
I loved watching the video of
that -- just like the old wild west! The
bad guy wore black! The
were as crazy as the hangee! Lynch mobs
Look, I have to admit I feel very sorry
for the predicament you're in.
As Ricky Bobby said, "If you're not first,
you're last." And you being
humiliated in front of the whole world
does NONE of us Americans any
Sir, listen to me. You have to send in
MILLIONS of troops to Iraq, not
thousands! The only way to lick this thing
now is to flood Iraq with
millions of us! I know that you're out
of combat-ready soldiers -- so
you have to look elsewhere! The only way
you are going to beat a nation
of 27 million -- Iraq
-- is to send in at least 28 million! Here's how
it would work:
The first 27 million Americans go in and
kill one Iraqi each. That will
quickly take care of any insurgency. The
other one million of us will
stay and rebuild the country. Simple.
Now, I know you're saying, where will I
find 28 million Americans to go
Here are some suggestions:
1. More than 62,000,000 Americans voted
for you in the last election
(the one that took place a year and half
into a war we already knew we
were losing). I am confident that at least
a third of them would want
put their body where there vote was and
sign up to volunteer. I know
many of these people and, while we may
disagree politically, I know
they don't believe someone else should
have to go and fight their fight
for them -- while they hide here in America.
2. Start a "Kill an Iraqi" Meet-Up group
in cities across the country.
know this idea is so early-21st century,
but I once went to a Lou Dobbs
Meet-Up and, I swear, some of the best
ideas happen after the third
mojito. I'm sure you'll get another five
million or so enlistees from
3. Send over all members of the mainstream
media. After all, they were
your collaborators in bringing us this
war -- and many of them are
already trained from having been "embedded!"
If that doesn't bring the
total to 28 million, then draft all viewers
of the FOX News channel.
Mr. Bush, do not give up! Now is not the
time to pull your punch! Don't
be a weenie by sending in a few over-tired
troops. Get your people
behind you and YOU lead them in like a
true commander in chief! Leave
conservative behind! Full speed ahead!
We promise to write. Go get 'em W!